Annabelle3117's Journal, 16 April 2014

Good morning loves! I'm very sore from yesterday's workout lol. Contemplating heading back to the gym today since the lil one will be in preschool, but I don't know. Wish it was warm enough for an outdoor walk with Hoss!! (my boarder collie) Maybe it will be later this afternoon.

I received my official acceptance letter into the nursing program yesterday. Hooray! Classes start in June, but I'm going to try to test out of medical terminology. If I succeed I will not start until July. I've put my letter of resignation into my employer, and will officially end work the thirtieth of May. This will give me one month to spend at home with the kiddos before I start school. I already booked a camping trip in June for father's day, this would give me the opportunity to add a couple days onto that trip and make it a proper vacation. I can't wait. Things are changing rapidly.

I cannot wait to be done working with my sister. My brother has been acting exceptionally strange, and it's about all I can stand. One minute he is arrogant, cocky, and a complete pain in the ass, the next minute he is passing out mid sentence because he is high, and yesterday he just sat around staring out the window crying. This is exhausting. I know he is depressed, I know he is hurting but I just don't have it in me to try to help him anymore. That sounds cold, but generally I just pretend he isn't there. It's the only way I can protect my own sanity, which I barely cling to nowadays. One day he wants help, the next day he is bragging about what he was recently able to con someone out of. He doesn't know who he wants to be. It's painful to watch.

Needless to say, by the end of the day I am exhausted. Yet I come home, make dinner, fold laundry, wash dishes and get everyone ready for bed, and the next morning to come. There is no break for me. I got very frustrated last night because there was so much work to be done when I got home at 7pm. I was mad because my husband had been home since three, but he never does anything. I get it, you worked your eight hours already but why is it automatically my responsibility to do EVERYTHING. You can't see that the living room is a mess and there are dishes to do. I have to wash dishes before I even start dinner, then again after. I told my husband I was unsatisfied with his performance domestically. His response was, "well I'm helping now aren't I?" . He was rinsing dishes... really?! I replied that doing the easiest of all of my chores doesn't constitute helping, and he walked away and refused to talk to me the remainder of the evening. We don't fight, we simmer. After dinner I told him "I know your mad but you need to forgive me now. You have to understand how overwhelmed I am, and that I'm allowed to be frustrated once in a while. It's your job to be understanding and compassionate." No go, he wouldn't even look at me. UGH, I hate that. He has like a twenty-four hour wait time from the moment he decides he is mad at me till the moment he forgives me. Which just makes me more mad as I'm folding his socks, or washing the dishes I used to make him lunch. I bend over backwards to be home everyday at eleven thirty for the specific purpose of making him lunch. He never asked me to, It's just my way of showing love I suppose.

This journal wasn't supposed to become a rant, but look what it has grown in to. One day I'm going to run away from all the people who keep taking from me and never giving anything in return. I swear it would be easier if my mother, brother, and sometimes the hubs, would just take my blood instead. At least it would be over quickly. I suppose the love yourself challenge has only made me feel very unloved. It started with the damn "love your scars" portion, where it asked us to look at what our bodies have been through and love it. The main scar I have is on my left arm, and it says "HATE". Yup, teenage Yolanda put that there herself because that was how she felt about herself. It was a cry for help I suppose, but all they did was ridicule my pathetic attempt at trying to get attention. I've been holding that info in for quite some time, as that was when I started avoiding the challenge. Maybe now that it's out I can put it away. I do feel very unloved and unappreciated right now though, perhaps its unfounded but I sometimes find it hard to tell.

I just know that I'm tired, and I need a break. I think I will take a long walk with the dog to try to clear my mind, even if I do need my winter coat.

All things food have been great, btw. lol Weight is moving in the right direction, trying to get ready for my final weigh in on Friday. Excited to get the challenge going.

I hope everyone is well, and that this journal doesn't bring anyone down.

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1403 kcal

Fat: 65.85g | Prot: 97.50g | Carb: 107.65g.   Breakfast: Roots Shredded Chicken, Lakeland Hamburger Bun, Sargento Colby Jack Cheese Sticks, Coffee-Mate Original Powder Creamer. Lunch: Tasty Bird Boneless Skinless Chicken Thighs, Oscar Mayer Real Bacon Bits, Great Value Light Buttermilk Ranch Dressing, Hoffman's Super Sharp Cheddar Cheese, Denny's Sliced Tomatoes (3 Slices). Dinner: Beatrice Skim Milk, Malt-O-Meal Fruity Dino Bites, Butterball Golden Oven Roasted Turkey Breast, Kraft Light Mayonnaise, Sargento Reduced Fat Colby-Jack Cheese Slices, Schwebel's Submarine Rolls. Snacks/Other: Atkins Advantage Dark Chocolate Royale Shake. more...