What do you do?

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fitnessdiva0...

Joined: Oct 10
Posts: 4

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Posted: 02 Nov 2010, 03:44
What do you do when the man you love says he loves you just the way you are? I know there are some men who love thick women and I understand completely. But I'm a former skinny girl trapped in a big girls body and I'm starting to feel the effects. My 5'4 frame was not made to carry all this extra weight, my knees are starting to hurt along with my back and other things. He says please don't loose to much baby, but I'm trying to loose that extra person that I've been carrying around with me for the last few years. I don't want this to become a problem between us, but it has the potential to be a big problem. Any suggestion on how to handle this?Neutral
xskittlesx

Joined: Sep 10
Posts: 6

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Posted: 02 Nov 2010, 03:57
My partner said to me back before I started being healthier he loved me the way I was, and didn't want me to change. However I said to him this was something I needed to do for me, and the changes don't happen overnight, so you get used to them bit by bit.
My partner now says to me "I loved you the way you were, and I still love you now" But he also says he thinks I'm perfect and I don't need to lose these last 12kgs.
Me becoming healthier has had a good effect on our relationship, before I wouldn't get changed in front of him, or let him hug me when I was laying on my side in bed (you know, when your tummy goes to the side a bit) and other things like that. Now he just tells me how proud he is of me, and how good I'm looking.

I think if you just explain to your partner this is something you want to do for both your spiritual and emotional health, he will understand.
Getting there...one day at a time....
kstubblefiel...

Joined: May 10
Posts: 1,400

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Posted: 02 Nov 2010, 08:18
I would first ask him if he understands the health benefits of you losing weight. Sure, everyone has their preferences appearance-wise, but this is about improving the quality of & lengthening your LIFE. He is entitled to his opinion, but if he really cares about you he will support your desire for better HEALTH. It will only become a problem if you allow it to be. Decide what YOU are going to do for YOU, & he is going to have to get on board. If you stop trying to lose weight because he likes you "thick," you will grow to resent him & I don't think I have to tell you where that will end up.

Don't make this about him because it has nothing to do with him. This journey is about YOU. And he doesn't have to like it, so do set reasonable expectations. I think bottom line you can set boundaries if it ends up becoming an issue.

I can only really say what I would do, & if at a certain point my husband started asking me to stop losing weight I would first try to understand where it's coming from. If he was really worried I would lose too much & compromise my health, I'd listen to his concerns & reassure him that I am doing everything I can to be responsible about my weight loss & stay out of Anorexialand.

If his objections were strictly because he likes more junk in the trunk & he wasn't giving the numerous health benefits credit, then I would know that he doesn't understand what all this really means to me. That wouldn't be his fault, but assuming all other things in the relationship were good I would just set some limits around this topic. "You don't have to like it but this is something I need to do & I am being responsible about it so you're going to have to accept it," more or less. If expressing to him how important this is to me didn't make a difference, I would seriously consider terminating the relationship because no one who has my best interests in mind would try to prevent me from improving my health. Period.

That's just my opinion though...I suspect your guy isn't that ignorant & if you get it straight in your mind what your goal is here & express it to him, he will understand. Good luck, hon!

Kat | NO EXCUSES, JUST RESULTS | Next milestone - 256: 60 lbs lost
2013: still up from 1/1, but coming back down...
2010: 50.4 lbs lost | 2011:17 lbs lost | 2012: 1 lb gained
How I did it: http://stubbysticks.wordpress.com/weight-loss-summary-by-month/
k8yk

Joined: Jan 09
Posts: 4,546

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Posted: 02 Nov 2010, 09:29
You have to do what's right for you. If he loves you truly, he will love you fat, skinny, and anything in between. You should no more keep weight on for a man than you should lose weight for a man. It is your body and yours alone.
My man also said I was fine the way I was. But at the same time, he said it was up to me how I take care of my body. Now, I'm probably the thinnest girl he has ever dated, and let's just say his "interest" in me has increased the better I felt about my own body.
The only time I would say this advice doesn't apply is when a woman is already thin but complains about her weight. In that case, her partner may simply feel genuine worry about her health and self esteem. If that's not the case, then he should definitely support your efforts to get healthy.
My blog, This is not a Diet:
http://notsobigk.wordpress.com
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Shalon

Joined: Oct 10
Posts: 34

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Posted: 02 Nov 2010, 09:58
My boyfriend also likes bigger girls. I met him when I was fat. Okay, when I was fatter than I am now. He fell in love with me the way I was. He also says he loved me that way, but knows that I need to lose the weight for myself. He likes to see the changes that are happening to my body, except losing boob. That part is kind of depressing him. lol!
He's very pleased with the positive changes that have come with the weight loss. Everything from I'm better able to keep up with him if we go hiking to the improved sex life to I'm not embarrassed to go out to do things like I was when I was bigger.
zacali

Joined: May 10
Posts: 65

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Posted: 02 Nov 2010, 10:00
He doesn't want to see you suffer. He doesn't want to see your mood depend on the number on your scale. He doesn't want you to strave yourself, stop eating things you like just to lose a pound.He doesn't want you to lose weight for him. He loves you no matter what. He will support you in anything. Don't worry he loves you. My husband is the same.
Z'sMama

Joined: Aug 09
Posts: 280

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Posted: 02 Nov 2010, 10:36
Your body belongs to you. It is not merely an object for his pleasure.
kattk

Joined: Aug 10
Posts: 145

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Posted: 02 Nov 2010, 10:37
you may just have a man who genuinly knows how hard it is to lose weight. He may have had women in his life who tried and failed so many times(we all know some of them or may be some of them) and he is just trying to let you know that he is ok with you either way. My husband was the same way. and i 100% believe him that he loved me when i was heavy and he loves me now. but.....i dont remember him saying "damn you have a fine a**" like he does so often now. Smile
Katt
kstubblefiel...

Joined: May 10
Posts: 1,400

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Posted: 02 Nov 2010, 10:40
Z'sMama wrote:
Your body belongs to you. It is not merely an object for his pleasure.


Well said!!!

Kat | NO EXCUSES, JUST RESULTS | Next milestone - 256: 60 lbs lost
2013: still up from 1/1, but coming back down...
2010: 50.4 lbs lost | 2011:17 lbs lost | 2012: 1 lb gained
How I did it: http://stubbysticks.wordpress.com/weight-loss-summary-by-month/
Hoser

Joined: Jul 10
Posts: 2,045

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Posted: 02 Nov 2010, 11:54
"I'm still me no matter how much I weigh. Don't you want to keep me around as long as possible? The healthier I am, the longer I'll be here for you."

I'm fortunate in that my men don't seem to care what size I am.
Oddity

Joined: Aug 10
Posts: 280

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Posted: 02 Nov 2010, 12:16
I wonder if he might be feeling a bit insecure. Could he be thinking the weight loss is part of an exit or trade up plan? A preoccupation with losing weight can feel a little distancing to the partner, or make him feel guilty about his habits. If you think I'm on to something, saying something to counter might not help as much as touching him casually in passing and smiling at him a bit more.




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