Sex after Weight Gain, Men and Ladies invited to Discussion :)

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Lotus

Joined: Nov 07
Posts: 486

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Posted: 06 Jan 2008, 19:01
Ok Guys and girls are invited. I was just thinking about how much my weight and the way I percive myself affects my relationship with my husband. When he is being "playful" or tries to tickle me or something all I can think about is oh my God don't touch my fat stomach, and making sure I stay covered or thinking about how I look from certain angles. I almost never shower while he is home for fear he will see me naked(not that he hasn't before, but it has been a while..). I absolutley will NOT have sex with the lights on.
NO WAY.It's really gotten worse over the years, which is odd because I weigh close to the same now as I did when we got married, if not less. I used to feel sexy, but i don't anymore. He tells me all the time how sexy, beautiful, etc I am, but all I can think of is my faults and I used to actually feel pretty good about myself, at the SAME weight as I am now. It is really a problem.
Does anybody else have the same problem? I know this is kind of personal but I feel really alone about this and I don't really have anyone to talk to about it. My best friend down here is my sister in law, and that wouldn't do to talk to her about her brother! Laughing I need some girl talk!!
How do I get over this? It's affecting my marriage and driving me crazy!
Time is an illusion..
Lunchtime, doubly so.
From A Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy by Douglas Adams
graciepoo

Joined: Mar 07
Posts: 124

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Posted: 06 Jan 2008, 19:08
I used to feel a little like this. But girlfriend, you have just got realize, MEN DO NOT CARE!! They want to see you naked, no matter what size!! Haha!! I know my husband doesn't care. Sure he loved it when I was a size 6 and wore thongs, ect...but he still enjoys me just as much now. Maybe more, simply b/c over the years we have become so much closer. The longer you avoid intimacy, the more strain you will have on your marriage. Trust me, I have been there. We used to go months without having sex. The longer we didn't, the more we would argue. I was so much quicker to snap at him or get aggravated. And I can tell when we have gone too long without it. Just give in to him. He loves and thinks you are beautiful. and the more you are intimate, THE MORE HE WILL LOVE YOU!! Laughing
If I keep working at this, and want it badly enough, I CAN HAVE IT!!

11 weeks until trip
Weekly goal

Week 1: 193 lb.
Week 2: 190 lb.
Week 3: 187 lb.
Week 4: 184 lb.
Week 5: 181 lb.
Week 6: 178 lb.
Week 7: 175 lb.
Week 8: 172 lb.
Week 9: 169 lb.
Week 10: 166 lb.
Week 11: 163 lb.

And final goal: 160 lb!!!!

I CAN DO THIS!!!
Lotus

Joined: Nov 07
Posts: 486

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Posted: 06 Jan 2008, 19:11
We still have sex, maybe once a week, SOMETIMES twice, but it used to be more. I used to want it all the time and he would be too tired. LOL! Laughing Kind of sad though.
Time is an illusion..
Lunchtime, doubly so.
From A Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy by Douglas Adams
Lotus

Joined: Nov 07
Posts: 486

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Posted: 06 Jan 2008, 19:21
Anyone else have this problem? It's really on my mind lately, and I'm getting a bit depressed over it. in fact, feeling bad about how I look is often what sends me off the deep end and ruins my diet, as ironic as that is.Crying or Very sad
Time is an illusion..
Lunchtime, doubly so.
From A Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy by Douglas Adams
drd3775

Joined: Nov 07
Posts: 209

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Posted: 06 Jan 2008, 19:23
Instead of keeping the lights on...just try a couple of small candles...it's REALLY romantic and nice (for me anyway)...(not that I've had any romance in awhile)...lol But it casts SUCH a nice glow and the person u are looking at is glowing as well....That IS all your husband will see hun....the glow on your face...and BE PROUD of your body....you're working sooo hard to change it...and YOU WILL....I'd be strutting around in thongs if I had someone to strut for....lol....Men love a woman's body....big, small, they love 'em all...I wish I could say something that would make your fears go away...but darlin' - only u can do that....baby steps....suprise him and jump into the shower with him....you'll both be smiling ALL day....huggies
bullytrouble

Joined: Jul 07
Posts: 846

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Posted: 06 Jan 2008, 19:25
Awe honey.. it's okay. I'm sure you are just going through a "period" of sorts that you will soon get through. Our bodies change when we have babies, maybe that is why you feel differently. Trust me, I was a curvy little size 5 when we met, and he wants me as much now as he did then! lol It sounds like you might be dealing with some self esteem issues, maybe?? It's not a bad idea to talk with hubby about it... maybe he says something to you that causes you to feel this way and you haven't discussed it with him? Whatever it is, I recommend talking or trying to address it, or it just won't go away on it's own. I've been different weights and had to deal with different feelings about myself all my life. It isn't easy. I have come to a very strong conclusion that not everyone is going to "like" me for who I "am", and that is okay! I am who I am, for me, and that is it. I love myself and will do my best to love others alike. I also recommend leaning on your church for assurance, as well, if you go. Let me know anytime if I can help! Smile Chin up baby, you're doing great! Very Happy

I have my own personal, vacation weeks for sale in Mexico!! Feel free to email me for more info... $700 for 2adults, 2 children, 7 nights!! =D
cookingitupwithpamela.blogspot.com
BMI = 38.2
start = 44.8
Around the World in 42 Days Challenge: 1 lb
Ride 'Em Challenge: 9 lbs lost
Born To Be Wild Challenge: 8 LBS LOST
Lotus

Joined: Nov 07
Posts: 486

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Posted: 06 Jan 2008, 19:33
He doesn't say anything to me to make me feel bad, he's always reassuring me that I look good. But the thing is I don't really belive it, and if it has been awhile since he has complimented me I imagine that he thinks I look horrible. I never accept his compliments yet I feel like I need them on regular basis..HMM something is wrong with this logic..! I seriously feel like crying, I am such a nutcase. I can't talk to him about it, he just thinks all girls talk about how fat they are and it doesn't mean anything. i wonder if he knows how much it really affects how I feel in the bedroom..and out.
Time is an illusion..
Lunchtime, doubly so.
From A Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy by Douglas Adams
bullytrouble

Joined: Jul 07
Posts: 846

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Posted: 06 Jan 2008, 19:40
**hugs** I am sorry you feel so bad!! You need to talk to someone... I really recommend some counseling. You'd be surprised at how a little can go a long way. You sound like you have a very good hubby who does love you and think you are beautiful, but something is not right for you to feel this way about yourself, and not believing him. You need to find someone to talk to. Our church very kindly offers counseling for free to church members and I'm sure if you have a church that you attend or even if it's only occasionally, that could help in giving you some good advice. Smile Keep me posted and email me at anytime! Very Happy

I have my own personal, vacation weeks for sale in Mexico!! Feel free to email me for more info... $700 for 2adults, 2 children, 7 nights!! =D
cookingitupwithpamela.blogspot.com
BMI = 38.2
start = 44.8
Around the World in 42 Days Challenge: 1 lb
Ride 'Em Challenge: 9 lbs lost
Born To Be Wild Challenge: 8 LBS LOST
Lotus

Joined: Nov 07
Posts: 486

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Posted: 06 Jan 2008, 19:51
I keep thinking if I lose weight I will feel better. But I want to feel better NOW or I may never make it to my goal weight because I will turn to food for comfort. GAIN WEIGHT-GET DEPRESSED-DIET-CHEAT-EAT UNCONTROLLABLY-GAIN WEIGHT-GET DEPRESSED-EAT-GAIN WEIGHT..ETC ETCRolling Eyes
Time is an illusion..
Lunchtime, doubly so.
From A Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy by Douglas Adams
ImLuuvd

Joined: Oct 07
Posts: 1,157

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Posted: 06 Jan 2008, 20:08
I felt and still in some ways, feel JUST LIKE YOU. My hubby is awesome and loved me and thought I was sexy and still, it was me. I think I got SO used to holding and folding my arms over my tummy to hide it that I didn't know what else to do with my hands when I was sitting. I had to have covers AND the lights off. And even then, his hands got pushed away from what I called my trouble spots which mostly meant, "anything other than my face or hands".
I don't know how to get around this, but I can tell you I am MUCH better being down in weight.... and I KNOW I will be much better when I lose a few more.
All of a sudden I notice theres more room in the tub. I want him to rub my back (I wouldnt let him before cause of side rolls) and he can even rub my hinnie a little. I notice more and more improvement. It is only coming from me and the weight I've lost and how I feel better about myself. I had to lose weight to feel that way though. I know men don't care! I Know men love to see us, flabby, rolls, whatever we h ave...but something to me said I couldn't do it.
I am probably 80% better now and I finally have hope. I don't mean to sound down at all, I'm just being honest about MY experience.
I hope you overcome this, based on your old pic you had up, you seem very young and gorgeous! I am sure your hubby would be a maniac for you if you only felt ok to just be yourself. Hang in there girlfriend!
~ImLuuvd
"Nothing taste as good as thin feels"


lttlangel

Joined: Oct 07
Posts: 190

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Posted: 06 Jan 2008, 20:22
I had a baby in May 2007 and know how you feel. I didn't want my husband to see me with the lights on at all. Now that we are both losing weight, I feel a million times better. And what's even more shocking was at our first session at the center, finding out my husband didn't feel atractive with his extra weight.
Lotus

Joined: Nov 07
Posts: 486

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Posted: 06 Jan 2008, 20:41
The new pic of me was taken last Easter. I have gained about 25 pounds since then. I felt great at that weight. I kind of hate looking at those pictures. I feel so out of shape now.
Time is an illusion..
Lunchtime, doubly so.
From A Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy by Douglas Adams
Fairybrat389

Joined: Sep 07
Posts: 26

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Posted: 06 Jan 2008, 20:52
Lotus, I know you may not believe me, but you really don't weigh very much! When you said "I keep thinking if I lose weight I will feel better." I'll just be honest with you, that's not the case, no matter what, you'll find something you want to change, that's how we are. I've lost almost 30lbs and I still feel like a cow, but it's mental for the most part. You may have a form of BDD (body dysmorphic disorder) and that makes it harder on you. This is something I've had to deal with and it's really tough. I do know how you feel though, I felt/feel the exact same way you do. I want to look perfect for my husband and if I don't feel that way, I don't want him looking at me... I feel disgusting, so I think that he must feel the same way... no matter how many times he tells me how much he loves my body, so I know exactly what you're saying. I do like the candle idea... if you wanna take a shower with him, don't have the lights on and just light candles... he'll think you're trying to be romantic, and it will help you ease into him seeing you naked again. Lots of us feel the way you do, I wish I could tell you what to do to get over it, but I haven't found that either... I was just hoping it would help to let you know you're not alone. I promise though, he loves you for you, no matter what you look like, so try to trust him when he tells you you're beautiful!
Your mind operates under its own conception
Claire_joy

Joined: Oct 07
Posts: 5

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Posted: 06 Jan 2008, 20:57
I know how you feel! I hate looking at pictures of me when I was so close to my goal weight! I'm trying to forgive myself, though and use them as inspiration instead.

I hope you feel better soon!

Hugs!

Lotus

Joined: Nov 07
Posts: 486

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Posted: 06 Jan 2008, 21:13
While I like the suggestions of candles, romantic walks, etc, it's extemely difficult to find the time when he works full time + and we have a two year old that stays up until 10 o clock most nights. We get a babysitter for our birthdays, anniversary, and Valentines day. So it feels kind of forced to do romantic stuff, but I really want to, I do. It's almost like I don't know what to do when we actually have time to ourselves(but HE does, LOL!)
I feel like I'm just too young to feel this way.
We've only been married 5 years.
Time is an illusion..
Lunchtime, doubly so.
From A Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy by Douglas Adams
ImLuuvd

Joined: Oct 07
Posts: 1,157

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Posted: 06 Jan 2008, 21:27
I must tell you that when I read your signature line to my hubby...he chimed right in slightly before the elderberries part. He say's you have GREAT TASTE!
~ImLuuvd
"Nothing taste as good as thin feels"


Juno

Joined: Aug 07
Posts: 168

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Posted: 06 Jan 2008, 21:47
Aww Lotus. Definitely try candles, and maybe a little booze to boost your confidence!? Mixed with diet soda of course!

Try and remember that love and sex is about appreciating each other too, so just focus on loving every part of his body and let him appreciate yours!

If I'm feeling a bit chubby I might keep a little vest top on with perhaps a push up bra or something, in order to emphasise my best bits, and distract him from bits I like less!

Certain positions are more flattering than others too, I dont think Im going to elaborate anymore on that though!

And, Yeah, you probably will feel better once you have lost the weight, as you will be more confident, but give yourself a break love - you had a baby and everyone puts on weight after marriage.


"Orandum est ut sit mens sana in corpore sano." Juvenal, Satire X
Lotus

Joined: Nov 07
Posts: 486

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Posted: 06 Jan 2008, 22:12
Well one problem with that..I got down to 112 AFTER having Kaelyn...so I can't blame my weight gain on pregnancy. And I actually weighed more when we go married beleive it or not. Shock It's not that I'm afraid to have sex, I just feel self conscious a lot of the time. Especially when he is getting frisky during the day. I have to have the room pitch black before I even think of getting it on.
Time is an illusion..
Lunchtime, doubly so.
From A Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy by Douglas Adams
ImLuuvd

Joined: Oct 07
Posts: 1,157

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Posted: 06 Jan 2008, 22:18
Juno...I understand some of the healthy mind healthy body right? But what is the rest of your signature line and please share what it means, I'd love to hear it. Thanks!
~ImLuuvd
"Nothing taste as good as thin feels"


Juno

Joined: Aug 07
Posts: 168

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Posted: 06 Jan 2008, 22:25
the phrase has come to have a range of meanings. Basically the way I understand it is that Juvenal believed that having a healthy mind and a healthy body was more important than having power, wealth and beauty etc, and so that is what we should aim for in life.

I cant remember what the literal translation exactly is, but give me a latin dictionary and I could do it for you in a few minutes! Just looking at it it looks like the literal translation is "You should pray for a healthy mind in a healthy body".

Kind of what I try and live my life by, being a manic depressive and all! Smile


"Orandum est ut sit mens sana in corpore sano." Juvenal, Satire X



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