I've always been the type to 'think outside of the box.' I hope you find this little piece amusing. I live in a very small community and specialty times are difficult to find. This is my story of finding a source of dextrose locally to support my weightlifting endeavours. Details have been changed in order to hide the blatant lies and artistic license necessary to maybe make you chuckle and keep you reading. By northernmusician.
While this is rather lengthy, I would be happy to hear of your food discoveries here that suprised you - positive or negative. Thanks. (It can be from your (diet) religion if you like. I'll try anything once. Maybe twice.)
Once there was a little boy who loved candy. Oh, he loved it so much. Almost any candy would do in a pinch, but there was one candy - one candy that stood head and shoulders above the others. One Candy to rule them all, in the store you'll find them, One Candy - bring them in and in the darkness grind them. Oh, yes. It was that kind of addiction and the little boy could never, ever turn it down. If he had enough money, he would buy it. If one store was out, he would pedal his (then) skinny little butt to the next store, then the next, and the next, until his treasure was found. Had this candy been mentioned in the Bible, he was sure it would have been called the candy of many colours.
The little boy lived in a desert in southern BC and in the winter he would walk everywhere and sometimes go to the pool, or later, to the poolhall. In spring and fall, his bicycle took him everywhere. I mean everywhere. In the summer he would go to the beach and swim half the day, and the other half of the day (since he'd discovered girls didn't in fact have cooties) he would get a lot of rotational neck exercise. But one day, the boy grew up. It sucked. Hanging at the beach was easier.
He got married to an amazing young woman and settled in to a very good life. He liked his kids most of the time and never felt threatened by them... though at times he wondered if he were being a little obtuse. But all during this time, he had one big, hidden secret. A secret that, had his friends known, they would have laughed at him about being childish. The secret was so dark and twisted that he would go to the store after his family had gone to sleep to meet and devour his first love... the candy of many colours.
Oooh, how he loved them. There were days when he would have 2 packs. Yes. A two packs a day man was he. There was a problem though. The candy of many colours ate him as much as he ate them. It was an addiction the same as any other. The candy of many colours was his addiction, and it owned him.
Sometimes he would buy the candy and break it into three section and hide them in separate pockets, occasionally prompting his wife to ask, "Are you happy to see me?" How embarrasing. (He was always happy to see her.)
There were times in his life when he lost weight, weight partly the result of the candy of many colours, but he never realized that losing the weight was no big deal. The man, and many of his friends, fought the demon fat, but each time it returned because he'd forgotten it wasn't about losing the fat - it was about losing the fat and keeping it off.
One day the man went to the doctor and the doctor said, "Bend over, take a deep, and..." No, wait. I'll skip that part. He said, "Your bad cholesterol is too high and you're borderline diabetic." The boy/man was shocked. It was like the day he realized he would not be part of a manned space flight to the moon. And it was like the day he realized the world did not understand him and would not allow him run it without its consent. (Still working on it though.) How could this happen to him?
Just because his mom and her whole family was diabetic didn't mean he would end up that way. Neither was it going to happen simply because he lived a sedentary lifestyle 48 weeks of the year. Nor was it because he ate too much, or that he ate the wrong things, and certainly the candy of many colours... something inside him died. It was time for the end of his love affair with the candy of many colours, and the beverage of choice (Coke), and the corn chips, and candy bars. It all had to go if he were to choose to be more like his dad's side of the family who never seemed to have any health issues. So he chose.
He worked hard. He dieted down. He began to exercise because it was good for him (yuck). He smiled when he saw the change begin in the mirror, but then he would frown because he wanted... the candy of many colours. Surely having just that one thing from time to time would be okay? But no. And he believed that one day, if he really just stuck to it and refused his first love, that one day the universe would reward him.
An odd thing happened to the man who had once been a boy. He had chosen weight lifting as his means of exercise to make himself unsedentary. (Yes it is a real word. I just made it up.) He found he loved it. He began to read, and study. He watched the people who held all knowledge and wisdom (you know... random youtube posters) and he discovered that indeed a mere mortal could weed out the truth from the myth, dogma, and religion that surrounds bodybuilding and diet.
He got down to where he wanted to be in weight and then... he needed to figure out a good way to bulk. Yes! He intended to gain weight in order to gain muscle. (It's the deal. No calorie deficits and muscle gain.) He began reading about how to trigger an insulin spike post-workout to get the muscles ready to really suck up the amino acids from his favourite protein shake (banana) and he read there was a magical substance called dextrose.
"Oh, baby! Gotta get me some!" he cried aloud. After a couple more weeks of study, (this is his way of 'rushing in'
he knew it was time, and he headed out the door on his quest.
He asked at the grocery store for dextrose and received an immediate "Huh?" in reply to his question. He went to the next store. Same thing. He searched and searched and finally went to the drug store, and there, perched on the shelf in the diabetic section, was dextrose for diabetics who had gone hypoglicemic. He smiled. "$2 for 40 grams? Are you kidding me?" He decided he would buy a tube and give it a try anyway.
The man/boy paid for the package and walked back to his vehicle, popped one of the dextrose tablets into his mouth and... the man/boy became a boy/man. Can't be! Could it be that the love of his life... the candy of many colours could become his slave and serve him instead of the other way 'round? No. Surely, it can't be the same thing.
Leaving the drugstore parking lot in a four wheeled drift, the boy/man weaved his way in and out of traffic toward the local 7/11 on a mission of discovery. He could feel his heart beating in his chest and was near tears as he pulled into the sev's parking lot, narrowly missing the police car on the way. The lights came on. He piled out of his truck and yelled at the cop, "S.......s may have dextrose in them."
The cop staggered with the shock of the idea and lean against the hood of his cruiser. (It's Canada, eh?) The cop pulled himself together, turned out his lights, and entered the store with the man/boy who was now the boy/man.
The boy/man and the cop stared in disbelief at the list of ingredients on the package. Dextrose! First ingredient! And judging by the numbers, in excess of 45 grams in a 51 gram package and it was half the price of the drug store variety. Everyone in the store turned to watch the cop and the boy/man hugging each other and squealing with glee. The boy/man felt like he had the day he realized he loved to sing, loved to play guitar, and when he decided girls didn't have cooties.
The cop pushed the boy/man, now clearly simply the boy, to arms length and said with tears in his eyes, "We have to tell the world."
They rushed out of the store and entered the cruiser. The cop drove down main street as the boy sat on the edge of the door window frame and yelled at the people...
Sweetarts are dextrose! Sweetarts are dextrose!
The (happy) ending.
Exercise isn't diet. Diet isn't exercise. Binging trumps exercise.