Confession to Strangers or Trying to get out of Depression

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Joined: Jan 12
Posts: 3

Posted: 29 Nov 2012, 09:01
I know you don't know me. I don't know you either. You probably wont read this whole post, but if you do, please comment. This is a selfish post. Purely for me and my healing process. There is no other place I can write something with total anonymity and maybe get some feedback from real people who might want to help without the emotional investment.

So here's the story:

Once upon a time, in the not so distant past, I lost a ton of weight. 70 pounds to be exact. I generally followed a primal lifestyle along with paul mckenna techniwues. To be truthful, I followed paul mckenna and found my food choices were primal. As I started losing weight, I took up karate and tennis, just for fun. The fun in karate turned out to be talent and after only a year, this housewife, aged 39 at the time, mom to six became top competitor, winning a few championships in bareknuckle knockdown karate. But I have hit a speed bump, well that speed bump is more like Everest.

For the last year and a half, I have been fighting with my inner demons. I have been so depressed. The husband hasn't been working since he came home from deployment (iraq) a year and a half ago. I have been struggling to feed a family of 5 on low pay and unemployment. Christmas for the kids is going to be lean once again. The oldest daughter just went off to boot camp for the air force. Lots going on in my life, seemingly none of it good. I feel like I have been just walking in place, and even taking steps back. I have gained back 30 of those pounds I lost, mostly through binge eating.

I have no drive at all. I have the hardest time to get started doing the things that I enjoy and find myself watching TV or sleeping when I am not working. I dont even clean the house that much anymore.

I am trying to take steps to get me to enjoy life again. I set up a corner in the attic so I can start painting again. I am trying to get back into training karate, maybe even fighting again. The problem is the initial start. I don't feel like starting a painting, I don't feel like going to train, but once I start, I don't want to stop. I feel so good. What can I do to get me to get off the couch? What do you do that makes you happy?

I want to be happy again

PS go ahead and friend me, i need freinds

Joined: Feb 11
Posts: 801

Posted: 29 Nov 2012, 09:13
I am not sure if what I will tell you will help you but maybe it won't make you feel alone. First of all your Husband needs some help, and help that you cannot give him. I know you cannot make him but maybe he will find his way there.

Have you visited your physician about these feelings? I only say this because I felt that way once and my doctor prescribed zoloft. I didn't take it and I kept feeling that way. I would cry when I got to work. I would feel such a depression some days that I would just think I would die that life itself was crushing me and would end up killing me. I felt that way despite my beautiful daughter. Despite everything. The next time I went to my doctor he said you didn't take the zoloft did you. He then explained it to me like this.....our bodies need seratonin to produce seratonin. If we aren't producing enough then we take what we have to make more but it just doesn't get made. So then it throws us in this vicious cycle that we cannot get out of. No matter how much I knew exercise would create endorphines to make me feel better I couldn't do it. A lot of nights I would be in bed by 7 or 8pm. It was a terrible feeling. I got the prescription filled and wonder of wonders it worked. I didn't have to stay on it body started producing its own seratonin again (eventually) but it did help.

I don't know if this may be a compounding factor for you, but it could be and that is why I suggest talking to your physician. The only other thing is maybe set a goal a week....just one and when you do it for a week then add another one. Maybe a 30 minute walk get the endorphines going. I think if you can do that one then when you get home you will feel like doing something more possibly and have that momentum.

The hardest part of anything is just starting it. Sometimes the biggest struggle is the effort. It sounds like things are very tough. I appreciate the sacrifices that your husband and family have made for our Country. I do not know you but I will keep you in my prayers and thoughts (because God does know you). I will pray that life will start to look up for you.

Please go train. I know you will feel better after you do so. It is just that first effort to get you back there and after that one little step (it seems so huge right now) it will start to fall back into place for you.
Start weight 245# 1st goal: 220#-met 04/07/11 2nd goal: 210#-met 05/21/2011
Start over: 221# 11/08/11 Start over: 233.2# 10/2012 Start over goal met: 220# 11/14/2012
Mini goal 212's by Dec -met 12/31/2012 Mini goal: 207's end of Jan- met 01/31/2013 Mini goal: 197's by end of Feb - met 02/27/2013
re-start grrr Mini goal: 197's by 09/19/2013
I have to restart again as I slipped. I am leaving the above so I can keep track. It happens and I have to keep learning. restart at 227 on 07/20/2017.

Joined: Nov 12
Posts: 2

Posted: 29 Nov 2012, 09:19
I was at a low ebb at the beginning of this year - bad medical diagnosis followed by death of family pet. I am not claiming to have been as depressed as you sound but I did feel sorry for myself for a few weeks and was inexorably putting weight on and not caring about what I ate. I like doing crosswords and reading the Sunday paper throughout the week, so I started to walk to my local McD's and back and do my crosswords and reading. It was about 2.75 miles return trip and I tried to power-walk to increase the calories burned. I enjoyed it so much that I started running a little and have now joined a friendly local running group, with whom I run three times a week. I feel much more positive and find that I want to be out walking or running every day. I have lost over a stone since August. I am also a Christian and pray that you will overcome this depression (try not to describe it as 'my depression', if that helps).
"Believe that you can run farther or faster. Believe that you're young enough, old enough, strong enough, and so on to accomplish everything you want to do. Don't let worn-out beliefs stop you from moving beyond yourself."
-John Bingham, running speaker and writer

Joined: Aug 12
Posts: 1,286

Posted: 29 Nov 2012, 09:23
Consider that when you were eating low carb you were happy and energetic, and now that you have gone back to a medium carb diet you are feeling depressed. If you react to eating carbs as many people do, with bouts of low blood sugar, it would be a natural physical response to feel blue, even without all you have going on in your life.

On your diet calendar you have selected that what you are recording is "some" of what you eat. Consider trying to record everything, with a goal of reducing your carb intake down to where you had it before.

Joined: Sep 11
Posts: 14

Posted: 29 Nov 2012, 09:30
I just started reading a book called "Spark" about how exercise effects the brain. The more exercise you do (mornings are best) the more your brain produces stress relieving chemicals which have proved as effective as taking an anti-depressant. This doesn't mean don't take your meds, but you can do both and start feeling like yourself again. That's my plan to start now.
We all say we'd do anything to lose weight, but what we mean is we'd do anything but eat better and exercise to lose weight. We are all looking for fix to a long term problem

Joined: Mar 11
Posts: 216

Posted: 29 Nov 2012, 10:22
I agree wit Bootacus. I have battled anxiety and depression since I was in second gradr. NO, back then I was NOT diagnosed but once I was in my 20's and my mom went to a few sessions with me to delve into my past it was like a switch came on. Now don't get me wrong, I have a great family and my childhood was fine but I couldn't handle things like other kids and we now know why. I fought it for years even after we knew what was going on. Once I had my first child I had PPD BAD!! It was zoloft or risk harming my baby so that got me to start taking them. It made a WORLD of difference. The about a year later I went through a divorce from an abusive relationship. I don't know if I would have made it without my amazing doctor and those meds. Yes at one point it was like I was a zombie and numb but I was functioning and working. In time I was able to get them to a point where I could feel but they kept me from going off the deep end as as a single mom that's important! Later in life I met my now husband and had my second child. I had been on and off my meds for years and after the second pregnancy I went into PPD again and gained a ton of weight. OK so where am I going with all this right?

One, you are not alone! Yes, the hubby will need help by the sounds of it as will you together to get this going. I do suggest you see someone on your own. I also agree that exercise is an amazing drug! I have been 95% med free now for over a year and a half thanks to the gym! Not that you have to have a membership, even getting it going at home if possible works. I occassionally take meds when something stressfull is coming up like holidays or a vacation. Otherwise when I feel a breakdown coming on it's time to sweat. I also found that a higher protein diet (not total primal or atkins but kinda) helps control my blood sugar and moods. I know we are all different but I think it's definitely worth a try. Feel free to keep in touch and good luck to you Smile. Sounds like you have a good head on your shoulders and can get through this!

Joined: Aug 11
Posts: 70

Posted: 29 Nov 2012, 10:43
Wow, what a load of stress you are carrying! It's no wonder you feel unmotivated to put effort towards things you know will make you feel better. I've felt that way before and I started seeing a therapist and learned how to take control and change the things in my life that weren't serving me. I'm going to speculate that you are burned out from the intensity of you prior diet and exercize regimine. Maybe baby steps are in order to get you eased into painting/exercizing again. I truly think that our health is connected-body/mind/soul. When one things out of alignment you will see residual effects in other areas. The good news is there is help out there and we are all here to support you!
“What you get by reaching your destination is not nearly as important as what you will become by reaching your destination.”

Joined: Nov 12
Posts: 23

Posted: 29 Nov 2012, 11:06
I've battled weight and depression pretty much my whole life so I can totally relate to most of what you're going through.

Firstly, get your husband to speak with the Veterans Affairs (VA) office. It's a long process to get registered (we've been waiting almost a year for my husband to go through it) but they can be a huge help. There are all sorts of benefits he can qualify for as a Veteran.

Secondly, you need to get on an anti-depressant. I've taken several different ones throughout my life. The best 2 I've taken were Celexa and Zoloft. I'm currently taking Zoloft because after taking Celexa for so long it stopped working for me. I have new-found energy now and am much happier all around. It won't stop you from feeling emotions, it just makes the lows not so low and it makes them easier to manage.

Try eating a lot of protein and healthy fats, and cut out the bread, pasta, potatoes, and sweets all together. Only drink water or unsweetened tea, except for once a day have a glass of skim milk. Every time I follow that diet I lose a ton of weight. I have horrible self-control, though, when I'm happy and around people who eat badly, so that's how I gain the weight back, and that's why I've been up and down with my weight all my life. After 3 miscarriages and 3 failed fertility treatments, however, I've decided that my body just can't process those kinds of foods. I need to lose the weight and keep it off. Doing that diet, I've lost almost 20 pounds in a month. I also excerise a lot and lift weights. Building muscle will help your metabolism in the long run and you'll burn more fat.

Don't look at your daughter going to boot camp as a negative thing! She is doing a very noble and worthy thing that will greatly benefit her in the future. Make that a positive in your life and build on it!

We all have money struggles these days. Christmas will be lean for us again this year, too. My husband has an 11 year old daughter and we're really having a hard time getting her everything she wants. But Christmas is more about the family time than the gifts. Why don't you start a new family tradition so the focus isn't so much on the gifts? Maybe build a gingerbread house together, or have a Christmas Movie Marathon, or go volunteer at the local soup kitchen - whatever fits your family. That way the gifts aren't the center of things.

Good luck to you!

Joined: Sep 11
Posts: 224

Posted: 29 Nov 2012, 12:39
Wow, what a tough spot to be in. So much weight on your shoulders! But it does sound like it's the issues that surround you that are really bringing you down. Hopefully some of it, if not all of it can become resolved sooner rather than later. Whatever route you take, I wish you the best!
Stay the course, stay on point, stay motivated, dedicated, and you won't be stopped. Discipline. Perseverance. Focus. Dig deep and you will be victorious.

Joined: Jan 12
Posts: 3

Posted: 29 Nov 2012, 19:57
Thanks everyone for the well wishes, it does mean a lot to know that there are others like me. So after I got all this off my chest to you good people, I felt better right away. Some of the weight went off my shoulders.

The husband is seeing the VA and he is on zoloft for the last few months. I don't have insurance, so that is not an option for me.

I tried my best to get stuff done today. Still working on the studio but I got alot accomplished up there today, probably be able to paint there this week (working all weekend) then I went in to the dojo early and got to train with the kids. The kids are so much fun and where else do you get to hit children and it is considered appropriate?

Work tomorrow and I am packing a lunch. I work ziplines and if I have no tours to take out, I am going skiing. A friend asked me to teach him how to ski, should be fun.

Joined: Dec 11
Posts: 167

Posted: 29 Nov 2012, 22:27
Zoloft is a generic, with a prescription discount card you could get it for $8/mo. I used it about 15 years ago for 6 months to snap me out of my funk.
“The last of the human freedoms is to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances.” ~Victor E. Frankl

Joined: Mar 11
Posts: 216

Posted: 03 Dec 2012, 13:22
When I didn't have insureance I was able to see someone on a sliding scale and was even given samples. Sounds like your mood elivated a bit. Good luck whatever you do Smile

Joined: Jan 10
Posts: 201

Posted: 03 Dec 2012, 17:23
I have gone though a similar depressed state and to be honest me and my boss had a chat because if I am off for more than 2 days in a row I slip back into depression unless I have plans. What worked for me was every day I would get up and think. It is a new day, today will be happy, I will get alot done etc. And then push myself to get going, never letting myself rest for a lengthy period because I knew I would not get back up. I am happy to say I am usually happy and energetic for the most part now but it was a bumpy road to start.
Get a shower, and push your self to get things going. One step at a time and if you slip well honey tomorrow is a new day. Good luck

Joined: Aug 10
Posts: 30

Posted: 04 Dec 2012, 07:43
Absolutely. The best way to keep depression at bay, is to have lots of things to look forward to.

Even if its just coffee out with a friend, or a good new book and something tasty, or a movie.

I notice when my calendar isn't full, I get the blues.

Joined: Sep 12
Posts: 189

Posted: 04 Dec 2012, 10:14
I have been on and off antidepressants for about 9 years but for the past year I have been able to control my depression with exercise. It not only helps my depression but also my fibromyalgia. My husband suffers from an anxiety disorder and although he does take meds he has found that working out makes him feel better. He is able to stay on a lower dose because of this. It's definitely worth it Smile

Nothing Tastes as good as Thin feels!

Luke 21:34 “But pay attention to yourselves that YOUR hearts never become weighed down with overeating and heavy drinking and anxieties of life...

Joined: Aug 12
Posts: 46

Posted: 04 Dec 2012, 12:18
Hang in sounds like things are looking up!
Fat is HARD....Fit is HARD...Which HARD do you choose???

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