I need advice (long)

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mars2kids

Joined: Mar 11
Posts: 1,111

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Posted: 21 May 2012, 10:32
This isn't so much a weight issue, other than the fact that I know I'll be binge eating due to my emotions. I am having some issues right now with my hubby and I don't really have anyone here that I can talk to about it. I'll take any comments or advice I can get, especially a husband's perspective. Am I just making something out of nothing?
Right now I'm feeling really emotionally disconnected from my husband and I don't know how to deal with it. I know the first advice would be to talk to him, but how do you start that conversation?
Here is part of the issue: When his friends want him to go out he goes with them (he never goes without asking me first), but if I want to go out with him just us he finds any excuse not to or brushes it off. When he does go out with his friends he won't ever ask me to go but the other guys wives are always there, so how am I supposed to take that? I'm not a drinker, but I don't mind being the DD and I would like to have a night out too. When he goes out it's like he forgets he has a family and I feel so disrespected when he comes home hours after he says he will and then doesn't even acknowledge it or apologize, and he expects me to clean up his puke all over the bathroom. He's only 31 and I feel like he's going through a mid-life crisis already. I guess now I'm wondering if he doesn't ever want to go out with me or have fun with me, why am I around?
I've been finding myself feeling like we are in different places in our lives. We have kids and a house, so is that the only reason he's sticking around? Is this a normal stage of marriage, should I even bother saying anything, or do I need to take a stand? I am probably overreacting and we do have some other issues, but I just can't take the emotional mess I am becoming anymore. Sad
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Honestly

Joined: Sep 11
Posts: 2

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Posted: 21 May 2012, 10:47
I am so sorry you are hurting right now. Men and women are so very different it is amazing sometimes that we can share the planet at all. Respect yourself and your feelings. Talk to him. Tell him how you feel without going on the attack. Be prepared for him not to get it. Sounds like you two are in different places of maturity. Respect his need to go out with his friends even if that means drinking to excess. He wants/needs to be respected. I suspect you are the one that is going to have to make the first move to save your relationship. Don't fool yourself that marriages are 50/50. It doesn't work that way. Ideally it all balances out though. Without sacrificing yourself, be the wife he wants. He will step up. Pray about it too. You CAN do all things through He who strenghtens you. Keep the faith. Good luck
Baileyrose85

Joined: Jan 12
Posts: 20

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Posted: 21 May 2012, 11:46
I can't speak for marriages as I have never been married, but I can speak from experience dealing with difficult, "special" circumstances in a relationship. My fiance and I did the long distance thing for almost 3 years, we only saw each other on the weekends but we shared a place and a life when we were together, which made talking about things that upset us difficult. You absolutely need to get your feelings off your chest. If you don't (and you're anything like me), eventually you will just explode. Now, don't get me wrong, I am not the best at starting those "I'm mad at you" or "You hurt my feelings" conversations and every person is different but the point is no matter how it gets out, you have said what you have to say. I agree with Honestly, don't expect him to understand. If he does, great but odds are he won't. I usually try to back up my position by giving him an example of something that would make him feel the same way. If you can't, just make sure you are clear on how you feel and try not to attack him. And let him know that it's ok that he doesn't fully understand as long as the two of you can collectively work on what the issue is. Unfortunately this may open the door for other issues to come to light so be prepared for that. My fiance can be extremely inconsiderate sometimes because of his upbringing and when he feels he is being attacked he lashes out 10X as hard. Try to bring it up at a time when you are not actively angry and the two of you aren't fighting. Maybe suggest that the two of you go out to dinner and then when you get home try to talk to him about it. I know these are things that tend to work for me. Hope things work out for you soon. I went through this not to long ago and I felt like my heart was being ripped out over and over again. Take care.
Gisman

Joined: Mar 12
Posts: 5

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Posted: 21 May 2012, 12:11
First off, if he is 31 and still partying hard enough to puke then he may need a little more help than you think. How well are you supported in your social circles. Do you have a group of people that you go out with that separate from your husband and his group?
lenakh

Joined: Apr 11
Posts: 184

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Posted: 21 May 2012, 12:13
I noticed that relationships go in waves - there are periods when we're very close with our loved ones, and there are times when we drift apart a bit. I agree with Honestly - give it time, and believe that it'll get better again. I got into a similar situation with my boyfriend some time ago. I was so stressed and upset, and started thinking about how we'd have to split our pets and possessions and move out, because we were drifting apart and I felt like all I do is nagging him and complaining. And I did have reasons to complain! He is 32 and yes, maturity is a questionable subject. Men are good at being heroes in a moment, but usually not as great at being there very day, doing routine things that just have to be done. What I did back then - I stopped nagging, I actually would tell him how much I loved him every day, and would remind him how happy he made me when he did nice things at home. Slowly he started to come around, and then he started to listen to me, to my complains, which I presented as "I don't want to blame you for anything, but this this is just how I feel". As he felt more loved and accepted, he was willing to listen better, and work on resolving the issues that were bugging me. Then there was a wave of love and understanding, and then the wave pattern repeated all over again. But now I know to wait it over. He eventually comes around.
And yes, it's not 50/50. Sometimes I'm ok with it, sometimes I'm not, but I can't really do much to fix it.
I'm sorry your husband doesn't take you out with him and the friends. Maybe he's worried that you'll hold him back there, blame him in any way of drinking that much - it's easier to ask forgiveness than permission, so he might worry about you watching him drinking. He might also think that you won't be as comfortable in that company if you don't drink.
And don't clean his puke. Yeah, it's disgusting and everything, but let him do it himself in the morning, suffering from hang-over. Let him take a responsibility of his own actions. I cleaned after my bf once (the first day when we moved in together). But then when he got ridiculously drunk again one day, I woke him up as early as he was able to function semi-consciously and made him clean up his own mess. He never got this drunk again. Something about seeing his own mess and dealing with it, made him more ashamed of it. When it quietly fixed itself the first time, he didn't care as much.
Also, talk to him about wanting to spend more quality time together. It doesn't have to be with his friends, it might be just two of you going on a hike or to a restaurant, or whatever. Organize it yourself! I'm sure he'll get around.
And you always have this site, and your buddies here for support! Sometimes even just being able to vent somewhere helps.
~Lena

The first person who should be in love with you is yourself, no matter how imperfect.
mars2kids

Joined: Mar 11
Posts: 1,111

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Posted: 21 May 2012, 13:59
Gisman wrote:
First off, if he is 31 and still partying hard enough to puke then he may need a little more help than you think. How well are you supported in your social circles. Do you have a group of people that you go out with that separate from your husband and his group?

He doesn't go out every night or anything, but he does it to excess when he does go out. I have no social circle, I am pretty alone. The only people I know are my husband's friends. I do have some family around, but we were raised not to talk about our problems, so they aren't of any use when I have a real issue. All of my friends are at least a couple of hours away and have kids, so I never really go out.
My hubby went to Iraq 8 or 9 years ago and when he got back I had friends, but he didn't like them and it made me feel guilty going out with them, so I've lost those relationships. I don't know that he meant for me to lose touch with people, but I feel guilty when I go out so I've just kind of given up on trying to make friends. Right now, I could use someone to just vent to that is here in front of me, but I don't have that, so I'm using the site.
Thanks to everyone who's responded so far. I think the consensus is to talk to him and wait it out to see if things start to get better. When I'm upset with him I give him the silent treatment because I am afraid of saying something too harsh that I can't take back, but our relationship is weighing on my mind so much it's all I can think about right now and I'm afraid to talk to him and completely blow up. I'm sure he's got issues with me too, so maybe if I can work up the courage I can talk it out with him, I just don't know how to do that.
Goals for 2014:
Complete Couch to 5K
Sign up for and complete a 5K
Plan at least 3 outings with the family that involve being active
jessabridge4...

Joined: Jun 10
Posts: 58

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Posted: 21 May 2012, 14:05
I have been thinking of what to say and I am still not sure. LOL You definitely need to "talk". I find that if I write it down, it clears my head before a big talk. You need to straight up ask if his friends/friend’s wives or girlfriends don’t care for you. Don’t be angry, don’t act hurt, just be matter of fact. If there is no problem on their end, then ask him why he doesn’t want you to go. Tell him you feel that he wants to go out with them but you feel never with you. In guyville, he might be thinking…he lives with you and he wants a night off from “family”. I am all for a night off from “family”, as long as you both make time for a relationship night, and a family night, in addition to a friend night. My hubby and I have a date night once a week. Friend night is Friday. Family day is Sunday if our daughter (my step) is not around, or Saturday if she is. The rest of the week is to do as we please. Does not mean we don’t hang some, or visit family or friends together. It just means it is not one of those mandatory days and the time is flexible. You need to tell him you feel like your drifting apart. It will be very hard to say, but he needs to hear it. & don’t clean his puke for him. If you want to help, clean it together…lol. My hubby and I argue about 2 things mostly. Cleaning and his “snapping”. So now the house is messier because I will only clean if he cleans with me. If he mows the lawn, I clean the house at the same time. If he finishes first, I stop. He doesn’t want to clean the kitchen… I say I can’t cook until the dishes are done. Let me know when you are hungry and I will help you clean. I was resenting him because I did 95% of the domestic junk. So, I changed me. I figured out what would make me happier. I let him know that I was changing my ways. The house is not up to my standards, but I don’t resent the man I love anymore. That is a win, I think!  For his snapping, I told him how it made me feel. His response was that he did not hear it and he thinks I am overreacting. He also said I made him feel like a jerk when I reprimand him. I don’t want that….so we compromised that he would try to watch the snapping (if he does, I get a kiss and an apology), and I will try not to be as sensitive. You guys need a compromise. You guys need a date night on a regular basis. You need to find out why you don’t get to go out with his friends. (Do you do out the same night with your friends or do you stay home with the kids?) If you would get a babysitter if you are included, get one if you are not. Go out! Don’t stay home and wallow and resent! You might not resent his time out with friends if you go out too. I guess I am saying you need to express your unhappiness. You also need to listen to him about his needs. He might need that night off w/o you. And that is ok! As long as he comes home to you, and treats you with respect and kindness…it is ok! But if you need to be included once every couple of months…he needs to listen to you about that. Find your compromise!
Jessa
jessabridge4...

Joined: Jun 10
Posts: 58

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Posted: 21 May 2012, 14:18
I just read your last response. I have a family member who use a safe journal. You write whatever is bothering you in it for them to read. Then they can write back. You can also leave positive notes. It is for them to have a discussion/argument w/o being nasty. I am not a fan of the silent treatment that is longer then a few minutes. Some sites say this about the silent treatment...
1.Significance
◦Generally, it is a power play--a way of taking a stand and refusing to give in. By keeping silent the spouse is actually making a grand statement . . . I am right and you are wrong--until you see it my way, I will punish you by not speaking to you.

Effects
◦The effects of the silent treatment could create a large gap in the relationship if frequent bouts of silence interrupt what should be healthy communication. Manipulating your partner through silence does not promote growth in your relationship.

◦Function
◦The silent treatment functions in a relationship a few ways--it says you are not willing to compromise, you believe your partner should be punished for not agreeing with you and you don't have enough respect to talk things through to find a solution. None of these things are good for a marriage.

Time Frame
◦Whether lasting a few minutes, hours or days there is never an acceptable time to keep silent from your partner. Without communication a relationship will wither and eventually die.

You both need to find your communication and compromise. It is tough that you do not have friends near by. You need to remedy that! Your lack of friends is your responsibility! Do not let him guilt you out of a social circle. It is necessary! Either reconnect with someone from your past that lives near you…or go on a friend hunt! Your outside social life is not his responsibility, but yours. By the same token, he should not make you feel guilty for your friends that are not to his liking. That is why they are your friends and not his. Smile You obviously need to be able to express yourself to another human body. Find/reconnect w a friend, not his, find your own.
Jessa
lenakh

Joined: Apr 11
Posts: 184

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Posted: 21 May 2012, 14:43
I hate silent treatment. My ex used to do it to me, and it was hurting me like hell! My my current bf silent treatment never goes beyond half an hour - we both hate it so much, that one of us always comes around in that time-frame, and it's never the same person every time. I love getting things talked through, rather than quietly building it inside until it explodes into something that can no longer be easily fixed.
If you don't know what to say, or worry about hurt feelings, try writing a John Gray's style love letter. Here are a couple of links about it:

http://susanhamson.wordpress.com/2011/08/11/a-love-letter-to-john-gray/

http://billherring.info/atlanta_counseling/john-grays-love-letter-technique

http://allaboutlifecoaching.com/how-to-write-a-love-letter

But do tell your husband that you're writing it, and maybe even let him read those links too. So that he'd understand why you're doing it, and that you mean well.

I really wish you lived closer to me. I'm in a very similar situation with you. Most of my closest friends are very far away.I spend most of my time with bf at home and/or with him and his friends. My closest friend is my bf, so if something upsets me in the relationship, it hurts 10 times more. It does mean a lot to have a close personal friend outside the relationship.
~Lena

The first person who should be in love with you is yourself, no matter how imperfect.
mars2kids

Joined: Mar 11
Posts: 1,111

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Posted: 22 May 2012, 08:54
Thanks for all of the advice! I'm feeling better about this situation today. I know I need to talk it out with my hubby and I like the letter idea. Growing up in a family where you don't express feelings and hold everything in makes it hard to come out and say what I need to say. He is a good man, but right now I feel more like a roommate and a babysitter rather than a wife, so I need to step up and say something. I'm sure me being cold to him isn't going to help the situation.
Also, I do need to figure out how to make friends. How do you make new friends when you're 30, work full time, and have kids activities? I've tried talking to some other Moms at the kids activities and school, but I guess I'm not friendly enough because no one seems to really want to be friends. I'll try to figure it out. Lena, I wish we lived closer too, it would be nice to have a friend nearby!
Thanks again to all who've given me some input I greatly appreciate it! Smile
Goals for 2014:
Complete Couch to 5K
Sign up for and complete a 5K
Plan at least 3 outings with the family that involve being active
kbolewski

Joined: Apr 12
Posts: 11

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Posted: 22 May 2012, 09:33
I am glad you are feeling better today. I think it is awesome you just put this "out" and got feedback. Sometimes just getting it out makes it easier to deal with. I am an emotional eater too...REALLY TRYING TO CHANNEL IT AND PUSH PAST IT. Thanks for posting and hope to hear more!
WeightWarrior
karabeth

Joined: Jan 12
Posts: 48

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Posted: 22 May 2012, 09:37
I am only 24 with no kids and I am already having a hard time making friends outside of my relationship. Past the age of going to school it is just difficult to do! I don't feel as if I am comfortable being friends with people from work and I don't always want to go out and be social with the friends that I do have because that usually involves a good amount of food, alcohol and money.

Is it possible to mix your fitness with making new friends? Join a class (dance, aerobics, anything really) and see if you can make some friends there. You are all obviously going to be working toward a goal and that is something that you can instantly bond over. I'm not sure what kind of area that you live in, but most communities that I have experience with offer a good range of opportunities. If not, start one yourself! Post a flyer on a board at your local community center or library and organize a walking/jogging group or something of that sort. Free, productive, and an instant social circle!! You may be surprised at how many people are in a situation just like yours Smile
thynes

Joined: Mar 11
Posts: 216

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Posted: 22 May 2012, 09:42
I'm so glad that you are feeling better. Everyone here had alerady said it all lol. I'm 40 and my husband is 44. The last couple of years we have been more disconnected than ever. Sometimes I think if it weren't for the kids we'd have nothing in common anymore. We are trying to get to know each other again. It takwe a major "come to Jesus" type talk where there was some brutal honesty and some tears. It was tough but we were at a point where it was time to do something or think about walking away. Luckily we both still cared enough to try and fix things. Things are still rough at times and it's hard to let go of the things that have cut so deep but I'm trying. Taking it a day at a time. Right now keeping things together for my kids is what means that most. I don't think we will ever be perfect but neither were my parents. To be honest I don't know how it worked but they have made it 42 years. Good luck to you and glad things are looking better today Smile
jessabridge4...

Joined: Jun 10
Posts: 58

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Posted: 22 May 2012, 10:08
Glad your feeling better! Sometimes having a plan in action lifts the weight off your shoulders. It is hard to make friends sometimes. It is scary to do, especially when you are vunerable, but maybe be very direct with those other Mom's you like? Just say "want to get a coffee or something"?. Set up a play date as cover, maybe?
Jessa
GREENEYEDCAT

Joined: May 12
Posts: 3

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Posted: 02 Jun 2012, 22:58
I totally know what you are saying. My husband and I have been in a similar situation... feels like it goes in waves (as previously stated). I know many people in the same boat from time to time (actually some times it feels like clock work). Frustrating!!
jenniloo

Joined: Apr 12
Posts: 19

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Posted: 03 Jun 2012, 10:05
I agree with Karabeth!!! You need to get out of the house with like-minded people. Fitness classes, maybe cooking classes,even just a night to visit a local coffee shop with a good book, something you really enjoy. I also believe it should be something you do for yourself (not just Mommy & Me activities) and put it on the household schedule. These nights are for you, just like your husband has his "buddy nights".. meaning, he stays home with the kids and the house and chores... and maybe he'll also gain a little perspective on how you feel when he leaves you behind.

Kids make it look so easy, they can walk up to any other child on the play ground and ask "You wanna play" & BLAMMO! instant friend. As adults we tend to internalize and worry that we're gonna face rejection. I call b#llsh*t. Be confindent, know you're an awesome woman and if you meet a person that you think would be cool to hang out with.. go for it!!!

I WILL wear an itsy bitsy teeny weeny yellow polka dot bikini....
tapnjojo

Joined: Jun 12
Posts: 5

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Posted: 03 Jun 2012, 16:14
I'm glad you are feeling better. I know you have gotten all kinds of advice so I asked my husband what he thinks and I'm gonna share that with you. Let me start by saying we have just celebrated our 32 year anniversery so I do know a little about marraige, even though everyone is different. You do go through phases and there are times when you can't remember why you are together. It's very hard when you have kids, because Hubby leaves most of the work of raising them to Wifey and the result is, they view you as the mother of the kids more than their lover and companion. Anyway, here is what my husband said; He says that your husband probably feels that if he brings you out then he can't relax and enjoy himself as much. He said that if you go out then your husband will feel the need to behave himself and protect you. Ken never would take me out when we were young, he always said there were too many *!#*!#$'s in bars and he didn't want anything to happen to me. What I remember is when he would start drinking he would get really jealous and accuse men of staring at me (which believe me was definitely not happening). Anyway, Ken (my hubby) says you should talk to him, but don't expect miracles. I'm curious why he needs to tell you whether or not you can go. Why don't you call a sitter and go. Let him know that if he is going out so are you. It's only fair. If he gets mad and insists on leaving you out, go somewhere else. Go to a movie or find a group of interest. My sister just joined a knitting circle. It sounds silly to me, but she loves it. I'm not good at meeting people so I can't give advice on that. On a final note, someone asked us on our anniversery what the secret to a long marraige was and surprisingly Ken answered with "don't push eachothers buttons" I thought that was brilliant and true. I can promise you that as long as nobody is abusing drugs, alcohol or eachother, everything else can be worked out. I think people give up way too easy. Marraige is very hard and there are times you want out, but I have discovered that over all it is worth it....just remember you fell in love for a reason. Good luck!
OctoberBride...

Joined: Oct 11
Posts: 52

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Posted: 04 Jun 2012, 00:02
My husband and I had discussed this, partly to give you a guys perspective and partly because I've had similar situations when he's gone out and says he will be home but hours later I haven't heard from him. I brought it up to talk about your situation and get his take from an outside perspective, so I could gently bring up situations we've had.

If you're like me, you don't mind them having their time out but you want to know you're important to them. I don't ask what time my husband will be home but I might ask If I should expect him for dinner or wait up. I too get disappointed when he gives me a time and doesn't follow through. My husband said it's both parties responsibility here. He said the guy might want to go out to have fun and take his mind off of daily pressure or responsibilities and by taking you out, it might just be a reminder of the responsibility he's trying to take a break from, whether you're nagging him or not. He also said that given the fact that you don't drink, it's hard to go out and drink or go crazy when someone sober is with you...I agree with him on this. I never drink with people who don't drink. As far as coming home hours later, he said it's the guys responsibly to check in if he gives you a time and doesn't stick to it but when you're going out to have a good time, it's nice when you don't have to watch the clock or have a curfew, which is understandable...but at the same time, both of us agreed that you should have your time out and if he's out too often, that's a problem too. Bottom line, bring it up somehow and compromise. Ask him what he wants you to do and see what he says. If it helps, bring it up in a way like I did, talking about someone else and then applying it to your relationship. Just don't attack him, try to be understanding, and find a way to get time for yourself.
Sacrifice what you want in the moment for what you want most.

Nobody said it would be easy, they just said it would be worth it.
MommySheila

Joined: May 12
Posts: 8

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Posted: 04 Jun 2012, 08:35
Funny to come across your post today --- I too am in the same exact position. Friends tell me that we really need to see a counselor -- someone on a 'neutral' level that can see both sides of our story. It's great to read other posts people are putting here. I'm hoping some of the suggestions will help me too. It's just really frustrating to get no support from hubby (and my hubby is 39) and sometimes he tells me I'm fat. Great, like that's really helpful! rrrrr Men are sooo annoying! But I'm trying to hang in there for our boys (who are 5 & 7 years old). Smile Thanks for posting - I hope things turn out okay for you!!!!
MNguy50

Joined: Dec 11
Posts: 13

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Posted: 07 Jun 2012, 21:51
This post is for me as much as whoever reads it.
1. Look into each others eyes when talking.
2. Tell him how you feel.
3. Do not complain.
4. Love unconditionally.
MNguy50



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