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Spouse Not Supportive
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Joined: Feb 12
Posted: 06 May 2012, 16:01
I am finding that my biggest challenge to losing weight is the lack of support from my hubby. I have explained to him that I am really struggling with food and eating unhealthy, but he still doesn't get it. He suggests junk food almost every night. Some nights I am strong and other nights I'm not. Even though I asked him not to do this, he continues to, not all the time, but often. I truly think that he doesn't see how hard this is on me and on my success. So with that said, accepting that he isn't going to change his ways, how can I stand strong and stay consistent? It's like a recovering drug addict who still hangs around with his drug addict friends. I know he will not get on board with me or support me the way I need it, so all I have is people I meet on here. I feel totally alone. I wake up each morning hating what I look like and missing what I use to look like
Anyone else in this situation? Any encouragement or advice?
Joined: May 11
Posted: 06 May 2012, 17:25
Well, when a spouse is not suportive, there has to be a reason. This may not be your case, but frequently spouses think the weight loss will make you more attractive to other men and you may leave him. He may not even realize this himself, and even if he does realize it, he won't dare admit it so don't bother asking.
One possibility is that you don't even mention what you are doing to lose weight or that you want to lose. Just quietly go about your business of eating better foods and getting some exercise.
Or, he may be concerned that when you diet, he will be forced to eat your diet food, too. If you just change little things in your meals, he will see that you aren't planning on starving him to death.
I'm also wondering how it comes about that he suggests junk food almost every night. Would it work for you to plan the dinners ahead of time and get some of the preparation done in advance? You know, broiled chicken breasts, a salad with an awesome dressing, broccoli (his gets butter on his, you get lemon juice on yours) or whatever your particular diet calls for. Just make sure he doesn't think he's eating your diet food.
Joined: Apr 12
Posted: 06 May 2012, 17:30
My wife has been very supportive and has actually enjoyed fixing some of the recipes that I have found. We just are finishing a chicken/brocolli caserole, and she has probably eaten more of it, than I have.
Of course I am old, and she knows that I am not going anywhere.
Joined: Mar 12
Posted: 06 May 2012, 17:42
I am not a trained counselor so I make no gaurantees on the quality of this advice but I can tell you a little about my own experience.
When I started my diet, my husband was not at all on board. We had tried in the past to go on the same diet and it always ended badly because the diet wasn't working for one of us and when one quit, we both quit. This time I was determined to lose weight using a diet specifically tailored to meet my needs and my lifestyle. It may seem selfish but it was something I just had to do. I can't control his choices, I do have control over my own actions, though. I made one dinner that would fit my diet and if he didn't like it, I invited him to get/make his own dinner.
After about 4 weeks on the diet, he started to notice how much better I was feeling and how much more energy I had, not to mention that I was looking better, too. He decided to start a different diet that fits his lifestyle better. It's working great for him and lucky for us, our diets are similar enough that we can still eat one meal together only he might eat one dish that I don't or vice versa.
Since your husband married you, it's reasonable to think he loves you but sometimes even when you love someone, you don't always have what is needed to support the person in the way they need it. You have to look to yourself and find the strength from within to make your dreams a reality. When you do, that's even more attractive than a perfect body. He may come around eventually and it's best to give him the time and space he needs to do so.
Joined: Jan 12
Posted: 06 May 2012, 22:32
When I decided I wanted to lose weight I didn't find my husband very supportive either. However now that I have lost 21 pounds he has really come around. I figured out why though, he didn't think I would follow through and he thought I would quit. So when I started talking about buying a new exercise bike he wasn't really helpful. However when I got it he did help me put it together. Now he is becoming more supportive everyday and even telling me he is proud of me. So my suggestion is get started and use the people here for your support until he comes around. When you feel better about yourself he will notice and hopefully become supportive.
Joined: Jan 12
Posted: 07 May 2012, 01:55
Don't assign emotional responsibility to this, or guilt. Not to yourself or your husband. He has his "flesh" to battle with, even if his is a totally different battle than yours. His battle might not be weight, but it might be appetite, or lack of control, or even fear of change. It my be an emptiness or unfulfillment in some area of his life or work causing his cravings for certain foods. My husband used to sabotage my weightloss efforts all the time. I don't think he meant it that way, but he was comfortable when I was overweight and jealous when I wasn't; though he's always loved me very much. It's not right to expect others to fight our fleshly battles and their own as well. Your victory may mean his loss if you expect him to meet your need instead of his own. I'm not saying he shouldn't help you, but you need to see through his eyes too. What will it require of him to help you?
Take the battle to Jesus, He's the only one who can truly correct it anyway. Give it to Him. He's already forgiven you of everything. Ask Him to heal you of the effects of the past mistakes which led to being overweight. Ask Him to take the weight and ask Him to help you going forward to keep it off. Ask Him to bless the food you consume to the nourishment of your body. Ask Him to bind all negative or evil effects and possible side effects including retaining excess weight. Ask Him for self-control and deliverance from temptations. See temptations for what they are. They are a deception that you don't have to give in to. And if sometimes you fail the Lord is always there to lift you up. The people and tools here are helpful too, but you have to turn to Him for real solutions. Praying for you!
“…in my name: ask, and ye shall receive, that your joy may be full.” John 16:24 (KJV)
"Your words were found, and I ate them," Jeremiah 15:16
Joined: Feb 12
Posted: 07 May 2012, 05:12
It's not right to expect others to fight our fleshly battles and their own as well. Your victory may mean his loss if you expect him to meet your need instead of his own.!
I don't expect him to fight my battle, just to support me while I fight my battle. I do not think that if he were to stop suggesting junk food to me it would be his loss and I don't think that saying "you can do it hunny" would be his loss either.
Yes, I do have to take it to the Lord. I have been praying for strength and self-control when the temptations come. I think this is one of the hardest battles I've ever had! I have overcome some pretty intense things through the power of God and this seems so small compared to those things, but really it's much harder.
Thanks for the advice!
Joined: Feb 12
Posted: 07 May 2012, 05:14
I figured out why though, he didn't think I would follow through and he thought I would quit.
I think this might be part of the reason why. I have had many failed attempts and I can see how this would be the reason.
Joined: Feb 12
Posted: 07 May 2012, 05:22
My question isn't really about why or why not my hubby is not supporting me, but rather, how do I stay consistent without support from him? Especially at the times when he is munching down on junk food and encouraging me to eat it to? How do I stay strong? I guess it comes down to a choice and although it's hard to do, I just have to do it.
Joined: Feb 12
Posted: 07 May 2012, 05:24
You have to look to yourself and find the strength from within to make your dreams a reality.
Joined: Mar 12
Posted: 07 May 2012, 07:05
My husband and I almost never eat the same things. He likes red meat and things that arent exactly low fat or nutritious. I am very health conscious and rarely ever eat anything that isnt good for me, so we eat different things at almost every meal. He will tease me sometimes about having a bite of his sinful desserts or something but it is my choice what I choose to put into my body. I make him desserts all the time but I dont eat it. Sometimes I make him a dessert that is sugar free and low fat, and I do have some. Often he has hamburgers and french fries while I have salad and fat free grilled cheese sandwhiches or whatever. Ultimately, I am the one who is responsible for what I choose to eat. No one can keep me at my desired weight except fo rmyself. Life is full of temptations. We have to decide what is the most important to us: giving in to temptations and feeling bad about it, or reaching our desired weight and feeling on top of the world!
Joined: Apr 12
Posted: 07 May 2012, 08:02
I find this is sometimes a problem between me and my domestic partner. We both talk about how we should eat better and exercise more, but when it comes time to follow through, she would rather have take out than have a meal cooked at home.
I don't have any definitive advice because I'm still working on this issue myself, but here are some of the techniques I've been using to stay on track even when the spouse suggests an easier route:
1) Plan your meals and your spouse's. I really like beans and I know they're healthy, but the spouse can only tolerate them in limited doses. It helps to have simple alternatives on hand so that your spouse can provide for himself even if you are sticking with the plan.
2) Prep stuff to make it easier to follow through on the plan. I find that my spouse is more likely to suggest take out on the nights when I obviously don't feel like cooking. If chicken is already marinating or the vegetables are already cut and ready to be cooked, it's a lot easier to resolve to get in the kitchen and complete the meal you already started.
3) Give in sometimes. If you are tracking your food regularly, you will see that an occasional burger isn't going to kill you. Make the best choices you can. Sometimes I opt for a salad or a veggie burger because that is what I really want, but sometimes I go ahead and have a red meat burger. As long as you are maintaining a good pattern most of the time, it'll be OK if you allow yourself to fall off the wagon for one night.
4) Most importantly is to remember that you are making changes in your diet for your own well being. You don't have to be perfect every single day at every single meal. Ideally your diet should be about your lifestyle. I highly recommend that you leave some room in your lifestyle for uninhibited fun.
Joined: Dec 11
Posted: 07 May 2012, 08:26
I know, for me, it was more an issue of portion size than actually what I was eating. Well, it was what I was eating too, but more portions that anything. I know it means more dishes to wash, but get those measuring cups out. It has helped tremendously with my diet.
With my family I've tried sneaking in healthy foods from time to time as well. I even managed to get them to eat a veggie burger without them knowing it a few weeks ago. I added on some homemade mushroom gravy and Swiss cheese, adding on another 50 calories or so, but they loved it, and couldn't tell the difference from any other premade hamburger.
I sometimes cook for my family and substitute my meal for a Healthy Choice steamer or Lean Cuisine. (Watch the sodium though!) I know it's tough to cook for one person, but you get used to it.
Another problem of mine is eating while I cook. That is a huge no no! It's difficult to keep up with calories when you do that.
It's perfectly okay to go off your diet for a day, but I would limit to maybe once every two weeks. (That depends on your diet goals, of course.) But if you go off for a day, stick with something healthy the next.
I think your best chance with your husband would be to experiment with what you cook, and make things healthier without really telling him you are doing so. Make simple changes like not cooking with fats/oils, and use stock instead. Make homemade (baked) fries with lots of spices rather than deep-fried in salt. Be conscious of the things you eat a lot of in your diet. I switched bread and now 2 slices are 70 calories rather than 140. It might not seem like much, but over the course of a week the calories really add up.
Joined: Aug 10
Posted: 07 May 2012, 08:37
My hubby is supportive of my weight loss but he still does those things that sabotage me. Like cooks delicious food. My tool is to use portion control and leave the table when I have eaten my "allotment." If I don't, I will sit there and nibble and end up eating WAY more than my calorie limit for the day.
Perhaps when he gets out the junk food, you could go for a walk. I don't feel like eating after I walk so it might help you.
Good luck. Pretty soon, he will likely come around when he sees how much sexier you feel and he gets the benefits. wink wink
Joined: Jun 10
Posted: 07 May 2012, 09:03
My hubby would help me be lazy. IE: It's too late for exercise, I got you a Kit Kat, Stay in bed, watch a movie now and exercise later (& then I wouldn’t). This time I really just did it on my own. But he is seeing how much happier I am: I am gaining some flexibility back. I don't complain as much about clothes. I am happier, so he is happier and 10x more supportive. He still will try to hand me his lazy card occasionally, but tells me he is proud of me after I suck it up and exercise. I used his non-support as a crutch for years. I am an adult. I, and only me, have the power to change my weight. I need a healthier lifestyle, so I am doing something about it. You have to realize you have the power to say no to junk food, or to say just 1 serving to junk food, or to eat the whole bag of junk food. Unless he forces you, it is an excuse. It took me 7 years to realize this. It is easier to blame a spouse for not helping then it is to except the responsibility for our own actions. I didn't truly want a change when I "blamed" him. I wanted an excuse as to why I "couldn't" lose weight. The day I accepted it was my choice & my responsibility& my "goal", is the day I made a change. I feel strong now. I feel like my goal is attainable. I feel like I can have a bad day followed by numerous good days. His support does not motivate me. It makes me feel good when he says he is proud of me. But the motivation is in me, with my needs, not his. I know it sounds harsh, saying that a spouse's lack of support is a crutch to failure. I could be wrong. I just know that once I let go of the idea that he was my guru, my food conscience, and my exercise drill sergeant & I wanted it for myself, I did better. I learned the word no with food. I got up early to exercise before a busy weekend day. I walked the dog before dinner on date night. I made a low fat pizza while he had NY System Dogs (that I cooked just for him). Even when you are married, in love, and happy...you have to be you. Do what is good for you! Get healthy for you! A spouse’s love and support will follow a healthier “you” around! You have to find your strength, and I am sure he will be proud of that!
Joined: Mar 11
Posted: 07 May 2012, 10:25
My hubby wasn't super supportive at first because of the time it took for me to exercise and the foods I wanted to eat. Well, now that he sees that I mostly eat the healthy foods on my own, and I'm not making him eat all that stuff, he's okay. And, I do my exercise in the morning so I'm not missing out on family time in the evenings when we're all home.
I've learned to be a little more selfish and I do the grocery shopping every week, so I get what I want to eat. Yes, there is still some junk when we have supper, but I can get myself some veggies and other things that he won't eat, and we've tried some new things that he and the kids actually like. So, I'd just buy the things that you know you can stick with and if he wants junk and you give in to him, try to eat less of it, or stick to your guns and let him have junk and you have what you want. If he's snacking on a bag of chips, try to snack on something like fruit or veggies instead. Try some new healthy recipes too, he might be surprised what he likes.
The other thing that I've found helpful is to put everything into my diet calendar. Then, I can see the healthy and unhealthy choices I've made and change them or stick with them as needed. It feels good to see some consistency and know I'm staying within my RDI and sometimes it keeps me from reaching for the junk.
No one can give you willpower, it has to come on your own and it's hard, but you can do it. It actually feels good to resist something that is bad for you to make a healthier choice. With time you'll learn the best way for you to take more control. Best of luck!!
Goal 3: 125 whenever I get there
Goal 2(restart): 130 by May 25th (2013 vacation)
Goal 1: 135 by May 24th (2012)~~~~Accomplished!
Joined: Mar 12
Posted: 07 May 2012, 10:34
I have this same issue. He makes it difficult for me to stay on track. I need to just stick to it no matter what. He would always bring home DQ Blizzards; the last time he did I said I appreciate it but please don't buy that for me anymore but guess what? He bought me one last night and I kind of had a mini breakdown and told him he doesn't listen to me and that I don't need this stuff. Of course that brought out other problems we have been having. Everyone is right, it is up to you what you eat and how often you exercise. It may be an inconvenience to him but oh well. Such is life.
Joined: Jan 12
Posted: 07 May 2012, 10:37
I don't know if this can help at all but I know what I do with my hubby that seems to work. I will let him know what I am making for dinner, If he does not want what I am having or like what I am having I give him the option to either A) make something for himself, or B) go get fast food but not whatever I was craving at the moment. IE, You can get fast food just not Wendy's Chicken Sandwich.
At first he did a lot of fast food runs then he realized what I was eating was actually yummier than what he was eating so he started wanting what I was having. There are still days he doesn't want what I am having and he will make his own or go out but he is slowly coming around. When he did decide to make a fast food run I would be sure to have my dinner done and started to eat before he got back or I would end up getting frustrated with what I was eating. I had to make a choice to be happy about what I was doing as well as what he was doing and not get angry/frustrated/upset when he decided to eat something different.
We also have one cabinet that I under NO circumstances open because it is his cabinet. It is filled with candy, chips, cookies, brownies, snack cakes, etc. As long as I don't see it I am ok with it, BUT when he gets something out and leaves it on the counter and I am craving it it gets dumped out in the trash can so I can not eat it. YES he has been irritated more than once, BUT it only took him a few times of dumping out his skittles or M&M's to remember he has to put them away.
I am sure your hubby loves you and If he is like mine he does not realize the time, energy and effort you are putting into this yet. Stand your ground, Make healthy meals for yourself and let him make his choices. If he chooses not to eat whatever you are eating be ok with that and don't get mad/upset/irritated. Be happy that you are doing something for yourself.
Joined: Feb 12
Posted: 07 May 2012, 12:03
I am the one who is responsible for what I choose to eat. No one can keep me at my desired weight except fo rmyself. Life is full of temptations. We have to decide what is the most important to us: giving in to temptations and feeling bad about it, or reaching our desired weight and feeling on top of the world!
I want to print this and tape it up everywhere in my house!
Joined: Feb 12
Posted: 07 May 2012, 12:04
Pretty soon, he will likely come around when he sees how much sexier you feel and he gets the benefits. wink wink
That thought has crossed my mind!
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