Getting started...again

Hi everyone,
I'm feeling a bit bummed out, but also really motivated. I've gained about 50 pounds since I got married in December... which was sort of okay when I thought I was pregnant.

I'm not. I'm just fat.

My husband doesn't notice; he thinks I'm beautiful no matter what, but I need the man to stop buying me chocolate every time I get depressed or have a headache! I want both of us to be healthy, so I've asked him to start on here. We'll see if he takes me up on it.

He had a friend who's wife left him after she lost a bunch of weight, and he's asked me before if I would ever do that, which really ticked me off. I don't think he's trying to keep me chubby intentionally, I think it's just that he can't stand to see me upset, and chocolate is such a great mood lifter.

I could really use some encouragement about what I'm trying to do here...

Thanks,
Kate

He is probably insecure. He is scared that you will slim back down into a hot chick - which of course you can't wait to do, for his benefit as much as yours - and fears that you will get tons of male attention and so decide to find someone new and fun and exciting. He might well be sabotaging you, deliberately or otherwise, because he loves you and does not want to lose you.

So you need to sit down with him and tell him firmly but lovingly that he is your man, that you love him, and that you want to be slim for both of you. You need to lose the weight for health and self-esteem, and to feel confident and upbeat again. Ask him to stop buying you chocolate for ANY reason - birthday, christmas, anniversaries, easter, whatever. Tell him it does you harm and only makes you feel more depressed when the chox have been eaten.

If he wants to treat you he could buy you flowers or frillies or even a gym membership! Or a beauty pampering product. If he has no clue what to buy he can buy a lovely card and gift voucher for you to choose what you like. Tell him to buy whatever he thinks you will like APART from food of any kind. I think he will get the message.

You can find other ways of lifting your mood. Losing even a tiny of weight usually works like a charm! Find a diet you think you can stick with and give it a go. I find Atkins/low carbing by far the easiest as you don't experience hunger or cravings after the first few days, but you may prefer another approach.

Lots of women - and men - gain weight after they get married. Takeaways, cosy suppers together, snacks when watching TV or DVDs... It all mounts up. I laughingly say that contentment really can make you fat!

Good luck hun x

I gained 30 pounds when I moved in with my then boyfriend, now husband in 2007. He loved every ounce I added even though I outweighed him then and am already two inches taller than he is. Over time, I lost the weight and then some, but it did take work to get him to partner with me to create healthy eating habits that worked for us both and still allowed for the joy of shared meals and occasional treats. (It's still tough on my resolve sometimes because the man can seriously eat two pints of ice cream and two dinners and never gain a pound! Silly me thinks every time he eats, it must be mealtime for me too. This would be fine if I worked all day in heavy labor like he does, but I have a desk job - so I had to learn to accept that we are not a two-headed monster.) It took mutual compromise and diligence to break out of my comfort food snuggle pit, but it is totally possible to change this rut you've fallen into. You can create new, healthy mood lifters together. Talking it out is your first step. Leisurely walks while holding hands are a great second step. Then it's all you and your committment to a healthy diet and exercize plan from there. Food is for fuel, not "full" or happy.

Try framing it as part of building a shared future together. It sounds like you guys are planning to have kids, which makes getting healthy that much more important for both of you- if you can get off the extra weight, you'll probably have an easier time getting pregnant, are likely to have fewer complications, will have a healthier lifetyle to pass on to your kids and longer lives to see them grow up and have kids of their own. Once there's a baby in the house, it will be that much harder to make the change, so the time to do it is now! It might make him more secure if its clear that your focus in losing weight is part of your committment to your future together the family you'll eventually have.